Saturday, May 05, 2007
Yet again im trapped in this feeling of guilt.*sigh* How should I explain it?firstly, i lost my phone. again. yes, i said the same thing in the previous post. but this is my new phone that i got for a change. i lost it.. someone stole it. i got picked pocket. again.& now i feel guilty for what ive done yesterday. i was so fucking selfish. it was the shoot for the contest. i met up with fira and then all of a sudden HE came. i didnt want him to see me like that so i just went "OMG. WHY DID YOU BRING HIM?? WTF IS HE DOING HERE?!"without even saying anything else, i shoo-ed him away.i knew it right at that moment when i noticed he was gone, what i did was wrong. i felt kinda guilty and i thought... "he'll understand" then i took my shots.when i got home, i called fira. then she read this sms.. and i said "whos that?" she said "your bf" the sms involved something with feeling crushed like some italian food. i dunno. it was weird in a poetic way. but you get the point.anyhow, i feel guilty. although he just doenst understand. all i wanted from that contest was the money. i wanna buy instruments. i wanted the band to work out. i wanted to make music. i didnt want any of the clothes, photo shots or attention. when i first thought about it, i wasnt gonna do it. but my aunt told me to. fira told me to. my mum told me to. i thought id make them happy. id make myself happy.i didnt feel comfortable in my own skin (not that i ever do) i didnt want anyone i know to see me like that and i didnt feel like being seen or being around alot of people. the words just slipped. it wasnt my intention to crush him. its just not me to go to some kind of contest like that. and i know no matter what, i'll always look weird and different in his eyes. and those kind of comments isnt gonna support me. to be honest i have so much pressure these days. and to be more honest, just by talking to him, it doesnt help me by one tiny bit. im just wasting his money. im wasting him. i dont like what i did. what im doing.now that i dont have a phone, i cant straighten things out. im sick of pretending. im tired of trying. i hate explaining things. im tired of whining.i can do alot of things. i can go and buy a phone today. i can say im sorry and say what i just wrote i guess. i can stop trying and pretending and just let it go. or i can just say everything thats on my mind and see what'll happen later.or maybe i can just sit here, in front of the computer, listening to music & hating myself.
<33Labels: unlabelled
9:43 PM
Just don't let me fall asleep, feeling empty again
