Well, based on the previous post, my reaction was still abit.. I dunno. It was like still on the first hours after it happened. So I was still trying to make up my mind, arrange my thoughts and feelings, and trying to settle myself up.

But anyhow, cheering myself up from everything that had been scrumbled up inside me was easier than you'd expect. I thought the best way, was to go walking-walking, and forget about every single thing just for once and waste my time. Ended up going to BSM with fira. I don't know why, but for some reason I wanted to pierce a part of my body. Knowing it would take awhile for my mum to let me do it if I do funny piercings, I did it on my ears again. Besides, it looked empty, cos I only had one in each ears. & We did some other stuff. Like watching POTC 3 until like 9 at night. So we got picked up instead. I have to say that we had fun. We laughed and stuff, and for once in a long time, I let everything flew. I didn't think of anything. Even my money, I let it flew T_T & it actually made me feel better.

Other than that, I talked to ria too. She said something about that maybe I should focused more to my yearlies soon and stuff, and just let anything happens happens. I knew she was right. So I tried to do it. & hey, it was kind of working in a way. Maybe I'm still careless as shit in class. But surprisingly, I came first in my try out today. Unexpected. --Oh god, how did I do it? I don't feel like I deserved it. Didn't even know that we had a try out.. I hope my yearlies goes as well as that o_0

Now, I think I got myself together abit. I just have to keep myself that way. I was just at that point when everything that has been bottled up inside that it started to create so much pressure. So now I'm kind of trying to loosen myself up.

So That's that. I'm letting everything go, so I can freshen up.
<33

Labels: etc., life, piercings, unlabelled

It's over.
Hurts, but I'm glad. I'm happy. But also pissed. This feeling of wanting to break his skin.
What does it matter though... I don't care anymore. The sms of him saying he's starting to regret what he did/said doesn't really works. & Instead I felt satisfied. Not because there's a chance of it coming back, but because if there is a chance, I want to break it in front of his face. But then the feeling of guilty came up. & Once again I'd be thoughtless, lost & not knowing what to do again. At the same time, I still want to teach him a lesson. Make him look through my point of view. I can be cruel. I'm upset. & Trust me, I don't get upset easily. From the first place, I knew & had a feeling it wasn't gonna work out. I didn't want to end something without a reasong. So I waited until he realised it himself. I didn't even push away when I needed to. He's not aware of what he makes me feel. He made me feel like I deserved it. If you think you made sacrifices for what we got, then you don't know what sacrifices are.

I'm not the kind of person who grieve about such things. Well, most of the time, no. & Especially thinking about how I don't care about him. I know myself, hating or loving is practically a similar thing; it's an obsession. & I don't want to be obsessed over him. I guess the best thing is not to care, which I don't. He starres like he doesn't care, but he does though. I wish I was heartless, so even though I know I am, and people hate me. It wouldn't matter, cos I won't feel a thing. & I'd be the one who won't care at all.

Anyhow, it doesn't bother me much. Cos I'm glad it's done. I'm glad I was smart enough to take the first step, before he did. He had the intention to rip what he sew. But I did it for him. Be thankful. & No, I did not drop a tear. I'm better off without him.

<33

Labels: life, unlabelled

Wow. Linkin Park has never let me down. I swear. Except the fact that it took so long for Minutes To Midnight to come out. As I listened to my uncle's Minutes To Midnight he just bought, I realised that they've changed alot. They sound different. But I'm not dissapointed. It's funny. I kinda grow with their music. Hybrid Theory, Reanimation & Meteora was well, harder and more aggressive & as I was in the past, when I started realising their music means so much to me. Their old music's still relateable, but I find it easier to listen to them when I'm pissed, angry, upset or when I just.. I dunno in the edge of breaking down I guess. But when I listen to Minutes To Midnight... I was like.. That's unexpected, but I like it. Less screaming, less scratching, more Mike's singing.. but still excellent. It's like.. deeper, but less aggressive.

When I heard What I've Done on MTV, I thought that I was gonna be dissapointed and I thought I'd like their old music better. But I was right before, I shouldn't judge by first impression. I can't exactly compare it to the other albums.. they're all good in different ways.

<33




In a second thought, I don't think I'll ever bother explaining what happened. Well, not now anyway. & Yes I have a reason for that.. it's cos at the moment I'm actually focusing on something and my feelings has been stabled. Although I'm still screwed, but whatever.

Something's wrong with me, I've been laughing like an idiot for some unknown effing reason. I don't think there's anything worth talking about. I'm just typing cos I need someone to talk to and yet there's no one. As always. I might need to change my way of blogging. I think it's depressing some people. Hah.

You know what I need?
I need Farah or Dev or any other person I used to spend most of my time with. Then I'd waste my weekends with them, stay up late, play with eyeliner, being camwhores, watch horror movies, scare ourselves, go to the city, waste our money, laugh all we want, prank people etc. Everything I used to waste my time on in Sydney. That's what I need. Although bumming around the internet when you're supposed to study is exluded.

My english is failing meee... Whatever happened to my writing skills & sense of humour...

<33

Labels: unlabelled

Oh geez. Let me take back those words I said in the previous post. So not worth it. I'll explain later. When I can be bothered. *hits my head on the table*

<33





Yet again im trapped in this feeling of guilt.
*sigh* How should I explain it?

firstly, i lost my phone. again. yes, i said the same thing in the previous post. but this is my new phone that i got for a change. i lost it.. someone stole it. i got picked pocket. again.

& now i feel guilty for what ive done yesterday. i was so fucking selfish. it was the shoot for the contest. i met up with fira and then all of a sudden HE came. i didnt want him to see me like that so i just went "OMG. WHY DID YOU BRING HIM?? WTF IS HE DOING HERE?!"

without even saying anything else, i shoo-ed him away.
i knew it right at that moment when i noticed he was gone, what i did was wrong. i felt kinda guilty and i thought... "he'll understand" then i took my shots.

when i got home, i called fira. then she read this sms.. and i said "whos that?" she said "your bf" the sms involved something with feeling crushed like some italian food. i dunno. it was weird in a poetic way. but you get the point.

anyhow, i feel guilty. although he just doenst understand. all i wanted from that contest was the money. i wanna buy instruments. i wanted the band to work out. i wanted to make music. i didnt want any of the clothes, photo shots or attention. when i first thought about it, i wasnt gonna do it. but my aunt told me to. fira told me to. my mum told me to. i thought id make them happy. id make myself happy.

i didnt feel comfortable in my own skin (not that i ever do) i didnt want anyone i know to see me like that and i didnt feel like being seen or being around alot of people. the words just slipped. it wasnt my intention to crush him. its just not me to go to some kind of contest like that. and i know no matter what, i'll always look weird and different in his eyes. and those kind of comments isnt gonna support me. to be honest i have so much pressure these days. and to be more honest, just by talking to him, it doesnt help me by one tiny bit. im just wasting his money. im wasting him. i dont like what i did. what im doing.

now that i dont have a phone, i cant straighten things out. im sick of pretending. im tired of trying. i hate explaining things. im tired of whining.

i can do alot of things. i can go and buy a phone today. i can say im sorry and say what i just wrote i guess. i can stop trying and pretending and just let it go. or i can just say everything thats on my mind and see what'll happen later.
or maybe i can just sit here, in front of the computer, listening to music & hating myself.

<33

Labels: unlabelled