It's over. Thank effing god. national tests are over..although it doesnt feel like so. but whatever.
if i look back on what i wrote in the previous post, i should say that its easier to say than actually be done.

okay, so one night, a week before national tests, i was alone. then for some unknown reason, which is kinda not hard for me to figure, i started crying. and it was hard to stop which is kinda funny, cuz its hard for me to cry and i havent cried like that for like, a heck of a long time. it felt good cuz im finally able to express how i feel instead of bottling it all up inside and let it scar me continuously, but at the same time i felt horrible. then i thought i should talk to someone, but then i realised.. hey, what are you doing? theres no one to talk to... which was true, there was really no one left for me to rely on. & i felt a different kind of loneliness, not the one im used to, this one actually hurts more.

i cried for myself. for my friends who were having fun, not knowing and doesnt seem to care about me, since theyre so happy that they lost sight of the ground and im left alone when ive been trying to cry out for help. i cried for a guy who hasnt contacted me for a week and left me hanging when hes been convincing i can put my trust on him. i cried for another guy who i cant seem to get over, who i loved so fucking much. i cried for the stress and pressure of school and my future.
i used to be able to cope up with my feelings, going out still looking alright and keeping it all together. but that time i was tired and i seriously didnt know what to do. it all came falling apart on me. the time i thought would eventually come was righ then. i broke down.

isnt it funny, how theres always some problem or complains that i just can write in this pathetic web page of mine.

i guess right now, im still going with the flow. im still letting anything thats supposed to happen happens. i still know im gonna go through what i have to go through. things got a little better after that night, just a tad bit... but everything will get better in time or if doesnt, itll get easier...eventually. or ill just get used to it.

one more.

If I wrote a note to God
I would speak whats in my soul
I'd ask for all the hate to be swept away,
For love to overflow
If I wrote a note to God
I'd pour my heart out on each page
I'd ask for war to end
For peace to mend this world
I'd say, I'd say, I'd say

Give us the strength to make it through
Help us find love cause love is over due
And it looks like we haven't got a clue
Need some help from you
Grant us the faith to carry on
Give us hope when it seems all hope is gone
Cause it seems like so much is goin wrong
On this road we're on

If I wrote a note to God
I would say whats on my mind
I'd ask for wisdom to let compassion rule this world
Until these times
If I wrote a note to God
I'd say please help us find our way
End all the bitterness, put some tenderness in our hearts
And I'd say, I'd say, I'd say

Give us the strength to make it through
Help us find love cause love is over due
And it looks like we haven't got a clue
Need some help from you
Grant us the faith to carry on
Give us hope when it seems all hope is gone
Cause it seems like so much is goin wrong
On this road we're on

Jojo - a note to god

<33

Labels: life

I promised i was gonna post again.

About that guy on the previous post..
a few days ago i just got home from going out, my intentions about him was i wanted to put him behind and just move on. but everytime i start to do that, he just comes crawling back in. i cant just ignore him, i dont want to anyway. --anyway, i came home from going out with the distro guy, then he smsed this poem. i thought he sent it to other people too just to waste some creds. i wanted to make sure so i called a friend. she said she didnt get any poem. so i thought 'why did he only send it to me? is it supposed to mean something?' and i replied him. he said it wasnt meant to be for anyone. yea right. then why send it to me?

so we just smsed normally and out of nowhere he asked who i was with now. i said no one and i asked him why he asked and if he was already with someone else. he said no cuz i still cant forget you. ha.ha. then why did you ever let me go?

in the end of our conversation, he ran outta creds. but when i thought he wasnt gonna sms anymore, he used someone else's number. he ran straight to the point. i guess he just couldnt wait and he said--well you guessed it.. still having feelings, cant forget each other. he asked me back and i said i felt exactly the same thing. when i thought it was gonna be a start of something, i was left hanging again.
after one long confusion, i have decided to seriously just not expect anything and put him as my bitter sweet past.

theres clearly someone better for me, and hes right in front of me. no matter how my heart still flutters everytime i remember him or how much he has affected me & my life and how he still comes out in my dreams. the way something's telling me we could be one perfect loving couple.
i gotta ignore it. gotta move on.

damn. i gotta go again.
be back. promise.

<33

Labels: life, love

*squeals*
Hi!
You have got to miss me this time, riight?
aw come on, i know you do.
look at how long i havent post! theres heaps to catch up on! heheh. & im excited to tell you everything youve been missing out. yes everything, so hold on tight its one long ride.

*takes one deep breath*
here it goes...

Well, semester 2 came up. After 2 weeks of lonely holidays i finally met up with my friends and start snoozing in classes again. Same daily routine, but things got busier. I was burried with homeworks, assigns and things to study, not to mention all the pressure. But i got used to it and things start to settle up.

Although... there was one meaningful thing that happened on the last weekend of holidays before school started.. I was going out that night with Fira and somehow we decided not to go home. So i told my mum i was sleeping over at friend's and Fira told her mum she was sleeping at my place. Sssh! I know, bad girls but whatevs. She contacted her cuzin after we didnt know what to do and it was getting seriously late at night. Then we went to where her cuzin was. He was with his friends. I knew this guy that used to be close to Fira, but they got some issues, and she told he has a brother, she said he was gonna be there. I didnt care that much. So I met some new people, and i met that guy's brother. Lets call him x. I met him. One simple hand shake and just a glance, thats all i did. Nothing--and i meant nothing came across my mind when i saw him.. he was just another guy. We rode up to bukit bintang where there was no stars at all (redicilous i know) and then i heard "majma i think the guy that i like likes you" "are you serious? he just met me. whatever." "no seriously" "okay whatever" --yes it was the x guy.

but that turned into one big tangled up mess.

at first it was..awesome. for some reason he just popped into my dreams and i started having feelings for him. then it grew even more. before i knew it, he asked me out on valentines. it was like a dream came true. of course i said yes. but after awhile this fucked up insecurity grew in me and my trust slowly loosen. typical and stupid! something ive never wanted to be!! but i waited and i was patient, but i couldnt seem to find the answers i was looking for. so i stupidly dumped him. i was starting to get over him and met a new guy who works in a distro. & boy is he cute.. he seemed to like me too. i was happy.

until one day my friend dragged me and told me the awful truth. it felt like sky was falling on me. and my heart just dropped to my tummy. my judgement --wait. judgement? i judge? what was i doing?? majma!! whatthefuck?! what have you became? --anyway, my judgement was wrong. everything i thought he was, was wrong. he was everything ive been looking for. he was everything i wished he was. until now i sit in regret wishing to take back those words and have the guts to run over to him give him one big hug and say "im sorry. lets start over."
i cant. i havent seen him for long. but my feelings just grow even more. he said he misses me. i miss him too.. so much. it was only awhile but i love him more than ive ever loved a guy and its hard to forget the connection we were making even though it was almost too invisible to see.

but.. im trying to start something new.. ive been getting close to that distro guy and hes nice, cute, caring, shows his affection. maybe he'll prove me that one day i can appreciate what i did, my regret. maybe he'll make me realize that everything really does happen for a reason.

its actually much more complicated than that.
but i gotta skid. ill continue later.
promise =)

<33

Labels: life, love

Hi. Yes. Im back. Again.
I have ALOT to say. So get ready. mkay, here it goes..

My reports were fine. I had no red/bad marks or anything, which is good.. and bad. Cuz then poeple expect more, & they think.. "if only in a few months of catching up she doesnt get any bad marks, so that means she wont have any problems next year.." which means, here comes people's expectation of wanting me to be first in class again.. etc etc.

Bali.. It was great. Alot of fun. Outdoor activities mostly.. for TEN DAYS! I was practically grilled under the sun & came back to Bandung with a tanner skin,, & Hopeless thoughts of the coming new school year.. But most of all, I wore free clothings. I mean, I left all my screwed up feelings and everything that'll ruin my holidays behind in Bandung. & It kinda make the way I dress differently. I tend to just pick up any free clothes thats on the very top of my travel bag. But my bag was filled with black, so it doesnt change that much.. I was more careless I guess..

Came back to Bandung with a new look (you know, I got darker and stuff & wore what people wear when theyre on vacation), gave the gifts to my friends. & a New year of school started.
I knew what class I was in, so I went around to see which one is my class cuz they mix it up again. I found it. Its besides the toilet & musholla. Great. It's on the side that you can see alot from there. & can easily be spotted and watched by teachers. Thats even Greater. But yeah, whatever. I looked around and found a spot to sit on the very back. A few girls came into the class, and I was seriously glad to see they were my friends. What was on my mind : 'Thank God! At least i know a few people..' & the rest is history that I dont think it's that much important to tell.

I guess, so far I've been trying to adapt in a new situation at school. Although it's not that much different.. But yeah. I've been trying to be stable abit. I dont wanna fall apart (again) in year 9.. especially next year anywhere near UN. If that happens, I'm gonna start pulling my teeth out.

I'll keep it this long. I gotta skid.
<33

Labels: life

I havent posted anything for SO long. Heh. This blog has alot of things to catch up.
First of first.. Remember my piercings? well, the earings are like screwed and it made the skin around the piercings infected. So I took the piercings off and it's turning out okay cuz its drying up. Hmm, what else. My year was supposed to have this excursion to jakarta thing before they give us our reports. Instead of going with school, I went with some other peeps and spent the night in a hotel. It was okay I guess, pretty fun in a way. & about my reports and my yearlies, it was fine. I didnt fail a subject =) And I went to bali for holidays.

It hasnt been all fun and holidays all the time and I have alot more to say, but I really gotta go. So I'll continue later.

<33

Labels: holidays, life

Well, based on the previous post, my reaction was still abit.. I dunno. It was like still on the first hours after it happened. So I was still trying to make up my mind, arrange my thoughts and feelings, and trying to settle myself up.

But anyhow, cheering myself up from everything that had been scrumbled up inside me was easier than you'd expect. I thought the best way, was to go walking-walking, and forget about every single thing just for once and waste my time. Ended up going to BSM with fira. I don't know why, but for some reason I wanted to pierce a part of my body. Knowing it would take awhile for my mum to let me do it if I do funny piercings, I did it on my ears again. Besides, it looked empty, cos I only had one in each ears. & We did some other stuff. Like watching POTC 3 until like 9 at night. So we got picked up instead. I have to say that we had fun. We laughed and stuff, and for once in a long time, I let everything flew. I didn't think of anything. Even my money, I let it flew T_T & it actually made me feel better.

Other than that, I talked to ria too. She said something about that maybe I should focused more to my yearlies soon and stuff, and just let anything happens happens. I knew she was right. So I tried to do it. & hey, it was kind of working in a way. Maybe I'm still careless as shit in class. But surprisingly, I came first in my try out today. Unexpected. --Oh god, how did I do it? I don't feel like I deserved it. Didn't even know that we had a try out.. I hope my yearlies goes as well as that o_0

Now, I think I got myself together abit. I just have to keep myself that way. I was just at that point when everything that has been bottled up inside that it started to create so much pressure. So now I'm kind of trying to loosen myself up.

So That's that. I'm letting everything go, so I can freshen up.
<33

Labels: etc., life, piercings, unlabelled

It's over.
Hurts, but I'm glad. I'm happy. But also pissed. This feeling of wanting to break his skin.
What does it matter though... I don't care anymore. The sms of him saying he's starting to regret what he did/said doesn't really works. & Instead I felt satisfied. Not because there's a chance of it coming back, but because if there is a chance, I want to break it in front of his face. But then the feeling of guilty came up. & Once again I'd be thoughtless, lost & not knowing what to do again. At the same time, I still want to teach him a lesson. Make him look through my point of view. I can be cruel. I'm upset. & Trust me, I don't get upset easily. From the first place, I knew & had a feeling it wasn't gonna work out. I didn't want to end something without a reasong. So I waited until he realised it himself. I didn't even push away when I needed to. He's not aware of what he makes me feel. He made me feel like I deserved it. If you think you made sacrifices for what we got, then you don't know what sacrifices are.

I'm not the kind of person who grieve about such things. Well, most of the time, no. & Especially thinking about how I don't care about him. I know myself, hating or loving is practically a similar thing; it's an obsession. & I don't want to be obsessed over him. I guess the best thing is not to care, which I don't. He starres like he doesn't care, but he does though. I wish I was heartless, so even though I know I am, and people hate me. It wouldn't matter, cos I won't feel a thing. & I'd be the one who won't care at all.

Anyhow, it doesn't bother me much. Cos I'm glad it's done. I'm glad I was smart enough to take the first step, before he did. He had the intention to rip what he sew. But I did it for him. Be thankful. & No, I did not drop a tear. I'm better off without him.

<33

Labels: life, unlabelled

Today I woke up, still pissed at some people. Anyhow, I ended up reading my Archives. I miss Australia so much. I laughed at some of the posts I wrote. I think I had a better sense of humour and blogging on the past, hah. Looking back, I realised how alot of things happened in the past 2 years.. and I miss it. But.. I LOVE 2006! It was such a great year. I mean seriously, since alot of things happened in 2006 and mostly bad stuff, I thought it was the worst year ever. But I had so many memories from that year that I'd never forget. And I guess my friends had always been there especially Dev and that year came Farah too, who understands me more than anyone besides Dev. What's so funny is that when I'm upset and I think about all those past stuff, it cheers me up. Weird I know. From the time Ria left to me changing and the 'almost breaking up of my family' and then me making one of my biggest mistakes and then dev left and then farah came and whoa! so many other things. Hehe, I miss those times..

<33

Labels: 2006, friends, life, past, stuff

ALRIGHT. I'm FINALLY ON. Still in internet cafe, viruses in the computer at home and my laptop refuses to go to internet here. I guess it hates it here as much as I do. I have to be patient for at least 2 more weeks and things will get better I think.
You know what? I don't think anyone is gonna care to read this but I'm just gonna spill.

Okay *takes deep breath* I'm an outsider here. The quiet girl from Australia who just somehow doesn't fit in and has bad marks. My life flipped 180% ..in a bad way of course. My dreams just shattered into pieces and I don't think I can fit them back together. My marks are way below usual and I have my finals in 4 months I think and I don't know if I'm gonna pass. I study around 10 hours a day cos I take private lessons after school and study again at night before I go to school. I know, since when have I become into a nerd? But my marks are still not that good *sigh* How I miss Australia SO much. I'd do anything to get back there. I'm lost here and yeah I can't really be myself and I can't do the things I love. It's so unfair. Awww.. I should've stayed..
I haven't smiled and laugh like I meant it for weeks.

Stuff stuff. I gotta do what I'm meant to do here. Project. Byez.

Labels: life, school