yes i'm back.

well, i will be.

i want to re-build this whole thing. and meanwhile i opened a tumblr: goodbye apathy

thank you.




Seriously.
Too long I haven't post in here.

But since it's been too long, i suppose i've lost my skill of writing neways. So there isnt much i really wanna tell =/

Well, just dropping by to confirm whoever reads this that yes i'm still alive, living my life as it is.

Let me just find the right mood to write alright.
Then I'll fix this whole lameness of mine.

Get back at ya promise.

♥




It's over. Thank effing god. national tests are over..although it doesnt feel like so. but whatever.
if i look back on what i wrote in the previous post, i should say that its easier to say than actually be done.

okay, so one night, a week before national tests, i was alone. then for some unknown reason, which is kinda not hard for me to figure, i started crying. and it was hard to stop which is kinda funny, cuz its hard for me to cry and i havent cried like that for like, a heck of a long time. it felt good cuz im finally able to express how i feel instead of bottling it all up inside and let it scar me continuously, but at the same time i felt horrible. then i thought i should talk to someone, but then i realised.. hey, what are you doing? theres no one to talk to... which was true, there was really no one left for me to rely on. & i felt a different kind of loneliness, not the one im used to, this one actually hurts more.

i cried for myself. for my friends who were having fun, not knowing and doesnt seem to care about me, since theyre so happy that they lost sight of the ground and im left alone when ive been trying to cry out for help. i cried for a guy who hasnt contacted me for a week and left me hanging when hes been convincing i can put my trust on him. i cried for another guy who i cant seem to get over, who i loved so fucking much. i cried for the stress and pressure of school and my future.
i used to be able to cope up with my feelings, going out still looking alright and keeping it all together. but that time i was tired and i seriously didnt know what to do. it all came falling apart on me. the time i thought would eventually come was righ then. i broke down.

isnt it funny, how theres always some problem or complains that i just can write in this pathetic web page of mine.

i guess right now, im still going with the flow. im still letting anything thats supposed to happen happens. i still know im gonna go through what i have to go through. things got a little better after that night, just a tad bit... but everything will get better in time or if doesnt, itll get easier...eventually. or ill just get used to it.

one more.

If I wrote a note to God
I would speak whats in my soul
I'd ask for all the hate to be swept away,
For love to overflow
If I wrote a note to God
I'd pour my heart out on each page
I'd ask for war to end
For peace to mend this world
I'd say, I'd say, I'd say

Give us the strength to make it through
Help us find love cause love is over due
And it looks like we haven't got a clue
Need some help from you
Grant us the faith to carry on
Give us hope when it seems all hope is gone
Cause it seems like so much is goin wrong
On this road we're on

If I wrote a note to God
I would say whats on my mind
I'd ask for wisdom to let compassion rule this world
Until these times
If I wrote a note to God
I'd say please help us find our way
End all the bitterness, put some tenderness in our hearts
And I'd say, I'd say, I'd say

Give us the strength to make it through
Help us find love cause love is over due
And it looks like we haven't got a clue
Need some help from you
Grant us the faith to carry on
Give us hope when it seems all hope is gone
Cause it seems like so much is goin wrong
On this road we're on

Jojo - a note to god

<33

Labels: life

I promised i was gonna post again.

About that guy on the previous post..
a few days ago i just got home from going out, my intentions about him was i wanted to put him behind and just move on. but everytime i start to do that, he just comes crawling back in. i cant just ignore him, i dont want to anyway. --anyway, i came home from going out with the distro guy, then he smsed this poem. i thought he sent it to other people too just to waste some creds. i wanted to make sure so i called a friend. she said she didnt get any poem. so i thought 'why did he only send it to me? is it supposed to mean something?' and i replied him. he said it wasnt meant to be for anyone. yea right. then why send it to me?

so we just smsed normally and out of nowhere he asked who i was with now. i said no one and i asked him why he asked and if he was already with someone else. he said no cuz i still cant forget you. ha.ha. then why did you ever let me go?

in the end of our conversation, he ran outta creds. but when i thought he wasnt gonna sms anymore, he used someone else's number. he ran straight to the point. i guess he just couldnt wait and he said--well you guessed it.. still having feelings, cant forget each other. he asked me back and i said i felt exactly the same thing. when i thought it was gonna be a start of something, i was left hanging again.
after one long confusion, i have decided to seriously just not expect anything and put him as my bitter sweet past.

theres clearly someone better for me, and hes right in front of me. no matter how my heart still flutters everytime i remember him or how much he has affected me & my life and how he still comes out in my dreams. the way something's telling me we could be one perfect loving couple.
i gotta ignore it. gotta move on.

damn. i gotta go again.
be back. promise.

<33

Labels: life, love

*squeals*
Hi!
You have got to miss me this time, riight?
aw come on, i know you do.
look at how long i havent post! theres heaps to catch up on! heheh. & im excited to tell you everything youve been missing out. yes everything, so hold on tight its one long ride.

*takes one deep breath*
here it goes...

Well, semester 2 came up. After 2 weeks of lonely holidays i finally met up with my friends and start snoozing in classes again. Same daily routine, but things got busier. I was burried with homeworks, assigns and things to study, not to mention all the pressure. But i got used to it and things start to settle up.

Although... there was one meaningful thing that happened on the last weekend of holidays before school started.. I was going out that night with Fira and somehow we decided not to go home. So i told my mum i was sleeping over at friend's and Fira told her mum she was sleeping at my place. Sssh! I know, bad girls but whatevs. She contacted her cuzin after we didnt know what to do and it was getting seriously late at night. Then we went to where her cuzin was. He was with his friends. I knew this guy that used to be close to Fira, but they got some issues, and she told he has a brother, she said he was gonna be there. I didnt care that much. So I met some new people, and i met that guy's brother. Lets call him x. I met him. One simple hand shake and just a glance, thats all i did. Nothing--and i meant nothing came across my mind when i saw him.. he was just another guy. We rode up to bukit bintang where there was no stars at all (redicilous i know) and then i heard "majma i think the guy that i like likes you" "are you serious? he just met me. whatever." "no seriously" "okay whatever" --yes it was the x guy.

but that turned into one big tangled up mess.

at first it was..awesome. for some reason he just popped into my dreams and i started having feelings for him. then it grew even more. before i knew it, he asked me out on valentines. it was like a dream came true. of course i said yes. but after awhile this fucked up insecurity grew in me and my trust slowly loosen. typical and stupid! something ive never wanted to be!! but i waited and i was patient, but i couldnt seem to find the answers i was looking for. so i stupidly dumped him. i was starting to get over him and met a new guy who works in a distro. & boy is he cute.. he seemed to like me too. i was happy.

until one day my friend dragged me and told me the awful truth. it felt like sky was falling on me. and my heart just dropped to my tummy. my judgement --wait. judgement? i judge? what was i doing?? majma!! whatthefuck?! what have you became? --anyway, my judgement was wrong. everything i thought he was, was wrong. he was everything ive been looking for. he was everything i wished he was. until now i sit in regret wishing to take back those words and have the guts to run over to him give him one big hug and say "im sorry. lets start over."
i cant. i havent seen him for long. but my feelings just grow even more. he said he misses me. i miss him too.. so much. it was only awhile but i love him more than ive ever loved a guy and its hard to forget the connection we were making even though it was almost too invisible to see.

but.. im trying to start something new.. ive been getting close to that distro guy and hes nice, cute, caring, shows his affection. maybe he'll prove me that one day i can appreciate what i did, my regret. maybe he'll make me realize that everything really does happen for a reason.

its actually much more complicated than that.
but i gotta skid. ill continue later.
promise =)

<33

Labels: life, love

Happy New Year!!!

yeah late i know, but better than nothing.
wow its been a year. and ever since i got here, i barely write on my blog anymore. but noone really read it anyway. so i have this feeling 2008 will be kinda tough. but that thought kinda came up since i noticed UAN is coming up on May. Damn.

anyhow. id prefer not to talk about school.
i had a nye party. but not many people came. well there were quite alot of people. just not my 'friends'. ah whatever. i dont wanna talk about that either.

i had so many things in mind of what to write before, but now that im supposed to write it, i cant remember any 0_0

ill just.. go.

<33

You have a bit too much on your plate right now. So today, try to just let go of some of it. Part of the stress you are going through (if not all of the stress you are going through) is self-inflicted. So if you can get yourself to see things in a more carefree way, you will start to feel more carefree overall. Your emotions might be clouded up, but that is because you are distracted. Turn away from your personal worries by getting involved in positive, fun things with friends.

Lol.

Miss MEE?
No?
Well, you should.
I haven't post anything for a long time. Very long time. You're missing out alotta things in my life. I'd type everything so the blog can catch up, but i can't be bothered. But at the moment, the worse of my UAS is over. Now I gotta deal with english tomorrow, and catch up on year 7s and 8s studies for UN.

It feels fast huh? Time's going way too fast. I can't seem to catch up with everything. I need a rest just a tiny bit. Rest myself in peace with no thoughts of school or anything else. I kinda wanna go to bali with a friend this holiday before i drill myself to death with all the studies for next semester. Besides that, let's not talk about school.

I miss Sydney soo much!! I miss everyone, everything. Actually, I miss my past. *sighs* But I kinda don't too at the same time cuz I hate it at some points. But yeah... whatever....

I dont know what to say,, I'll be back later..
I promise.

<33